Showing posts with label What the ???. Show all posts
Showing posts with label What the ???. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Farewell to Fidel


8:00 a.m. Departure Lounge, José Marti International Airport, Havana, Cuba

This has been an interesting morning so far. 


I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to shower and head out the door to the airport. Last night, my trusty guide Jesus insisted that a friend of his would be at my front door to take me there. Sure enough, Roberto was there at 6 a.m. sharp, and wedged my backpack into the trunk of his car, along with the well-worn spare tire and a freshly filled can of gasoline. I deduced this from the overpowering fumes and the greasy rags which had been used to soak up the puddle. He had yet to say a word to me.

Roberto appeared to be around 70 years old...about the same age as his car. The interior of his ancient automobile was so tiny that even in the fetal position I could barely close the door. When he finally did speak, he sounded as if he had a sock full of gravel in his mouth. Either that or he had just come from the dentist, which seemed unlikely at 6 in the morning. He asked me in Spanish "Which terminal are you going to?” I told him I was on the Cubana Air flight to Santo Domingo.

I then (mis)understood Roberto asking which AIRPORT I wanted to go to … that there were 5 airports in Havana. “That can’t be right! I can’t think of a single city on the planet with 5 international airports!" As the fog began to clear from my sleepy brain, and I remembered that the name of the airport was José Marti. This seemed to satisfy him and off we went.


It suddenly occurred to me that I had agreed to pay him $25 but that I only had five $10 notes, so I asked him if he had smaller bills. He didn’t. We promptly stopped at a roadside eatery and he hopped out to go get change. There were tables outside which were illuminated by harsh fluorescent tubes in the the pitch darkness, and the clientele seemed to consist entirely of prostitutes on their way home from the late shift, or beginning the early shift. Either that or it was “Dress Like a Slut” Thursday at work. There was nobody in line, but it seemed to take Roberto an eternity to get change.

Once again we set off, but it soon became evident that Roberto had never been to the airport in his life. Maybe because aviation was a relatively new invention when he was born, he thought that it was just a passing fad and had lost interest. Each time we’d a approach a road sign, he’d slow down to almost a complete stop to peruse it in a leisurely fashion. At least that's what I thought until I noticed he was squinting and that we probably should have a seeing-eye dog in the car. Pretty soon I decided it would be more efficient for me to read the signs and give him directions. The road was so full of potholes that when he swerved to avoid one we’d jump about a lane and a half to the left or right.

Not only was it dark, but we were heading into a dense fog. When we came upon a sign that said “Aeropuerto 2” with an arrow pointing to the right, I assumed the airport was 2 kilometers away. We pulled up to a mostly dark building with a deserted parking lot and a few silhouetted figures sitting in the dark outside. Roberto was obviously eager to be on his way, but I kept insisting that this was not the right place, so he suggested I go ask for directions. “So let me get this straight” I thought, “You live here, you speak Spanish fluently and I don’t, you’re the one driving, we're running late, we've arrived at this empty building and you want ME to ask for directions?!?!?!"





I saw a staircase with light emanating from the door at the top, so I dashed to the top and walked down a long corridor of dark offices repeating the word “Hola?...Hola?” But to no avail. When I came back downstairs, Roberto was trying to bum a light for his cigar from one of the people sitting in the dark. Thanks pal! Just then I saw a woman in a uniform with her shirt untucked as if she was just finishing the graveyard shift emerge from the shadows and I asked her in Spanish if she knew where the terminal for international departures was. She told me that it was terminal 3 and pointed off into the fog. I could tell that Roberto was really bummed not to be rid of me.

We meandered for a while, but eventually arrived at a large modern building surrounded by lots of cars and activity.  I saw some guys in uniform and suggested we stop and ask if this was the place. He rolled down the window and I did all the talking, while Roberto sat there mute. He pulled into the parking lot which was about 1000 yards from the entrance, rather than dropping me off at the front door. Oh…and when he got change earlier, he kept his portion of it, so I wasn’t able to “adjust” his fee. Thanks for everything man!

Inside, the lower floor was dark and deserted…clearly not where the ticket counters were located. I asked for directions and when I eventually arrived at the ticket counter there was already a LOOOONG line.  I was relieved to see a beautiful, smiling attendant behind the counter until I put my glasses on and realized that it was a life-sized photograph on the wall.

Instead, the counter was manned by three guys who were not pleased to be working at 6:45 a.m. I have seen glaciers that moved at a faster pace. In addition, the queue resembled a strand of mutating DNA…large groups of people would arrive, greet someone in line and insert themselves ahead of all the passengers behind them. One guy in particular had an entourage larger than Justin Bieber's which kept growing in size with each passing minute.


We had now entered geological time….minutes stretched into eons. By the time I reached the front fo the line, several people had celebrated birthdays, anniversaries and one woman had had a baby. After paying my departure tax and finding my gate, I sat down and finally exhaled. Total time elapsed since arriving at the airport…one and a half hours.

Please don't get me wrong. I absolutely loved my month in Cuba! If only the crumbling walls and flaking paint could speak, what tales they could tell of a man who liked to write and catch big fish named Ernest Hemingway, or the scraggly-bearded but devastatingly handsome revolutionary named Che Guevara, or America's Public Enemy Number One..the flamboyant gangster named Al Capone who played high stakes poker in Havana's casinos while enjoying Cuba's finest rum and cigars and señoritas.


I found almost everyone I encountered to be friendly, helpful and eager to talk to an American who had entered the country illegally through Mexico because our government is still holding a 50 year old grudge and doesn't allow Americans to travel to Cuba without special permission. Many people said "Welcome to Cuba!" to me and treated me like family when I stayed in their homes. 

If you ever have the chance to go, jump on it. It won't be long before the Cuba I visited will be taken over by McDonald's and Starbucks and KFC.  You'll have a blast...but when you get ready to leave, just make sure you take a map in case your driver is a guy by the name of Roberto.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

A Good Night's Sleep

Puerto Ayora, Galapagos Islands:
Here's a one minute excerpt, recorded at 1:30 in the morning, of the soothing soundscape outside my window last night. It went on, uninterrupted, until morning.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

A Case of Mistaken Identity: Part 3



Click image to enlarge

I was sifting through some old documents on my computer and ran across this letter. At first I thought that I was the butt of a joke...that one of my friends was trying to "get my goat", but my curiosity was piqued, so I decided to reply and see what happened. Several weeks later I received a very apologetic letter with 2 free passes to the Jack Daniel's distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee.

So...if I ever completely run out of things to do, I'll always have the whiskey and the fainting goats of Tennessee to fall back on.


To read my blogs about other cases of mistaken identity, click the following links:

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Chicken $hit Bingo

I am not a gambling man.

I've been to Vegas twice and I didn't put a nickel in the slot machines. But every Sunday afternoon at Ginny's Little Longhorn Saloon, for $2.00 you can buy a 6 x 6 inch piece of real estate on a sheet of plywood (limit: one per customer) and have the time of your life.

Since there are only 54 squares available, tickets sell out fast, so you better move quick when they announce it's time to place your bets. The sheet of plywood is laid the pool table, a wire cage is placed on top of it, and then Ginny comes out from behind the bar with "C.C." the chicken under her arm. If the chicken makes a deposit in your square, you win the pot...so to speak. It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "playing craps".

You've never seen so much hootin' and hollerin' in your life. You'd have thought we were watching the final seconds of the Super Bowl. The excitement continues only as long as it takes C.C. to take care of business, and this afternoon it was a 15 minute hair-raising, nail-biting, white-knuckle, razor's edge roller coaster ride.

Cameras were flashing, people were shouting, and the chicken would stop periodically to pose for pictures. She's a real entertainer, and she knows how to strut her stuff. In the end, the jackpot was divided between #19 and #37, because C.C. made her mark right on the line.

In Kentucky they bet on thoroughbred horses. In Monte Carlo they bet on high performance race cars. And here in Austin, we wager on where a feathered farm animal is gonna take a shit.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Miles Davis and Me

When I moved to Hong Kong in my mid-twenties, I had the good fortune to work with a guy named Jim Shaw who was the editor of the magazine where I was the marketing manager. Jim was about 30 years my senior and had lived all over southeast Asia as a correspondent for the Stars & Stripes newspaper, a publication for U.S. military personnel which has been in print since the Civil War.


Jim was a raconteur and quick with a quip. He didn't hand out compliments easily nor suffer fools gladly. He had a limitless supply of stories, and he'd laugh at your jokes if they were funny. He was the kinda guy you wished was your uncle.

Jim and I got to be friends, and on several occasions I had the pleasure of being invited to his home where we'd sit in the living room with our shoes off under the slowly revolving ceiling fan which was painted with zebra stripes and listen to hours of jazz on Jim's reel-to-reel tape deck. His wife, Kaoru, would bring us bottle after bottle of beer, while Jim regaled me with stories of life in Japan and Vietnam.

When he heard that Miles Davis was coming to town, along with Herbie Hancock, you'd have thought they had announced an encore performance of the Last Supper with the original cast. Jim insisted I buy a ticket to see one of the all time jazz greats, and because the legendary trumpeter was a notorious heroin addict, there was a good chance this might be my last chance to see him perform. The concert was great...and Jim, who had seen Miles play before, remarked that he had been uncharacteristically generous...facing the audience instead of performing with his back to them!

After the show was over, I was standing on the sidewalk in front of the concert venue, when I noticed a subterranean garage door opening, and a long, sleek, shiny stretch limo pulling up the steep driveway. I don't know what possessed me, but I held up my hand, motioning for the car to stop. When it did, the rear passenger window silently rolled down, and there, in the pitch black interior of the limo was the expressionless, ebony mask of Miles Davis, a guy even the Devil himself would be scared of.


What does one say to Miles Davis? I think what came out of my mouth was something completely inane like "Great show, Miles! Thanks for coming!" 

Without changing expression, or saying a word, he held up the palm of his hand...whether in silent benediction or as a gesture for me to shut the hell up, I'll never know for certain...then rolled up the window and disappeared into the night.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

What the...??

I just received the following e-mail from my friend (and an amazing artist!) Heather Tolleson:

"Hey Dude:

It's always good to see you.  Better yet to smell your manly scent of chocolate-chip cookies, couch-cushion coinage and innate-inert rage.  

Luvyamuch,

--H"

With friends like that, who needs enemas?  But seriously, check out her stuff.

Did That Just Happen?



Only in Austin, Texas are you likely to encounter a full-grown man with floppy bunny ears hopping down the sidewalk at 7 o'clock on a Monday evening.

I see this guy all the time...as well as the guy who zooms past my house on a skateboard every afternoon at breakneck speed...pulled by three huge Rottweilers.

Then there's the guy who rides around town on his bicycle wearing nothing but a red thong.

And let's not forget Leslie Cochran, our resident transvestite homeless guy who has unsuccessfully (so far at least) run for mayor 3 times, and who is most often seen at the busiest intersection downtown sporting a skimpy leopard skin bikini, high heels, a tiara and a beard. Viva La Weird!