Ten Types of Terrible Travelers

Having been on the road continuously for more than a year and a half now, I have identified, and can speak with some authority regarding the 10 different classifications of annoying travelers.

1. Mr. Angry Businessman:


This is the guy who, if his flight is delayed for some sort of insignificant reason like a blizzard or one of the aircraft‘s engines needs maintenance, becomes highly indignant and berates the airline staff in a loud voice….as if they had the power to control the weather or should tell the mechanic who’s working on something that might keep us aloft to hurry up.

Mr. Angry Businessman is a legend in his own mind.  He talks loudly on his cell phone while waiting for the flight to board, and continues to do so even after the flight attendant has asked him 3 times to turn it off.  The minute the flight lands, he’s at it again, making calls and taking calls while opening the overhead bin despite the flight attendant’s frantic gestures for him to wait for the plane to stop rolling.  Then he makes a mad dash to the front of the plane, clambering over little old ladies and mothers with children so he can make it to that all-important meeting.

2. The Hair People:

a. The White Chick With Corn Rows.  This look is favored among women who go on vacation for a week and get their hair braided and beaded on the beach for $5.00.  They are usually seen wearing tube tops and sporting tattoos of a dolphin or a rose on their right shoulder.  Their skin is the color of a lobster because of their efforts to get a dark tan in the 3 days that it wasn't raining and the hairstyle which will enable them to return home looking exotic. Trust me…this is not a good look for anyone over the age of 12.  

Braided/beaded hair only looked good one time in the history of the universe and it was on Bo Derek in the movie “10” which came out in 1979.  And nobody was looking at her hair.  It hasn’t looked good on anybody since. Especially if you’re white.  Even Stevie Wonder would shave his head if he could see how bad his hair looks.

b. White People With Dreadlocks

Or as a fellow I sat next to on a plane called them,  “credlocks”…short for “credibility”. This affectation signifies to everyone that you’ve been on the road long enough that you’re a full time vagabond, that you don’t work for “the man”, and that you’re “alternative”.   This look is usually accompanied by multiple tribal tattoos, facial piercings and constant fidgeting with and re-arranging one’s nasty hair.  After all, if your “do” looks like a dirty mop that that’s been left out in the sun to dry, it’s gotta be in perfect disarray.

Only problem is, travelers with dreadlocks are so ubiquitous that they conform with other full time gypsies wearing dreadlocks.  Face it, no matter how much ganja you smoke or Bob Marley music you listen to, you’ll never be as cool as he was. 

3. The Native

This is the traveler who adopts the wardrobe of whatever country they’re in.  The white woman in the flowing sari with a red bindi on her forehead or the guy with the scruffy beard, white flowing shirt and pants and sandals.  Here’s a message to anyone wearing the baggy 100% cotton trousers with the crotch down to your knees purchased at some point during your travels through India. When they can stand up by themselves, it's time to consider a wardrobe change.  Besides, M.C. Hammer called and he wants his pants back.  So he can burn them.

4. The Shopper

This the woman who, in spite of all signs, ordinances and regulations to the contrary, somehow manages to board the plane with a massive rolling suitcase the size of a chest of drawers, which is too heavy for her to lift and won’t fit in the overhead bin, plus three paper shopping bags which are tearing from their handles from the sheer weight of their contents.  In addition, she’s carrying a hand bag large enough to transport an anvil, and she’s already checked 2 steamer trunks, as well as yapping terrier in one of those pet containers.   Oh…and she’s wearing a straw hat the diameter of a satellite dish.

5. Stumbling Through LIfe 

This demographic is made up of the the self-obsessed, narcissistic, self-absorbed, constantly text-messaging, while listening to music on their iPods, while simultaneously updating their facebook status, while lighting a cigarette crowd in the 18-22 range who are generally drunk, high, hungover, belligerent , clueless or all of the above. They stay up 'til 5 a.m. partying so that nobody else can get any shut-eye, and then sleep like babies on the plane or train or ox cart you're sharing with them.


There’s always one guy in the group with one or more extremities in a cast or wearing a dirty, blood-stained bandage because he fell off the back of moving vehicle, and a girl who’s got a nasty burn on the inside of her calf where it touched the red hot exhaust pipe of the scooter she rented. 

Looking through the bottom of a glass is certainly one way to see the world, but if I go one more night without sleep I might just strangle you during yours.  No jury would convict me.

6. Mr. and Mrs. Go Back Home and Their Annoying Children.

These folks live to terrorize the inhabitants of whichever country they are traveling in.  They chastise and berate local people because the service or food or towels or the water temperature aren’t what they are accustomed to “back home”. 

Here’s a suggestion:  Ask nicely, preceded by the word “please” and followed by “thank you”, with those 2 phrases spoken in their language.  If you still don’t receive what you’d prefer, adjust your expectations, or take your business elsewhere, or go back to wherever it is you came from.


Their kids are sullen or hyper-active and squeal with a frequency and pitch that even dogs cannot tolerate.  These rug rats are the best form of birth control I think of.  Five minutes in their presence will make you seriously rethink the prospect of having any offspring and even consider reporting the children to the local authorities.

7. Loud Obnoxious Americans

The stereotype is true I’m afraid.  Americans abroad speak at 5 times the volume of everyone else, typically only speak English as opposed to their European, Asian and African counterparts, and think the entire universe revolves around the United States.  


Often seen wearing a baseball cap backwards (which has been scientifically proven to lower your I.Q. by at least 17 points) as well as a jersey from some sort of professional sports team.  Opinionated, overbearing and uninformed though they might be, you can’t accuse most Americans of being unfriendly.  Which most Europeans find obnoxious as well.

8.  Been There Done That

These are the travelers who are constantly dropping the names of all the exotic and far-flung countries they’ve “done”.  As in “Yeah, in April we did Mongolia and before that we did Zimbabwe and Suriname and Uzbekistan."  

They’re jaded and cooler-than-thou and so busy rattling off all their destinations and everything they “did” while they were there, that they’re missing whatever’s happening right now.

9. Beautiful But Bitchy

These are the "Trust"afarians who are roughing it for a few months on Daddy's credit card until they return to their posh lifestyle of tea and scones and polo matches.  They are only seen traveling in pairs or packs or accompanied by devastatingly handsome dangerous looking guys who ride motorcycles.  They wear jaunty fedoras and have Chinese characters tattooed on the backs of their necks so they can be hidden under their long tresses when they attend a royal wedding. 

They seem to have a limitless supply of short shorts, sexy sundresses and stiletto heels that just happen to be in their backpack. They are unbelievably snooty and no matter how hard I try they won’t speak to me.

10. The French

With all due respect and my sincere apologies to the five lovely French people I’ve met at various points along the way (you know who you are)...in general, French travelers are pretty hard to like. They won’t make eye-contact or introduce themselves, even when you’re sitting next to them on a 12 hour bus ride.  Seriously?

If they could figure out a way to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes all at once, they would.  They refuse to acknowledge you or anything you say in English, and if you attempt to speak to them in French, even if you’re asking them to throw you a life preserver or perform the Heimlich maneuver (which is a French word incidentally) what you’ll get instead is a reprimand for mispronouncing "maneuver".