What the...??

I just received the following e-mail from my friend (and an amazing artist!) Heather Tolleson:

"Hey Dude:

It's always good to see you.  Better yet to smell your manly scent of chocolate-chip cookies, couch-cushion coinage and innate-inert rage.  

Luvyamuch,

--H"

With friends like that, who needs enemas?  But seriously, check out her stuff.

Did That Just Happen?

Only in Austin, Texas are you likely to encounter a full-grown man with floppy bunny ears hopping down the sidewalk at 7 o'clock on a Monday evening.

I see this guy all the time...as well as the guy who zooms past my house on a skateboard every afternoon at breakneck speed...pulled by three huge Rottweilers.

Then there's the guy who rides around town on his bicycle wearing nothing but a red thong.

And let's not forget Leslie Cochran, our resident transvestite homeless guy who has unsuccessfully (so far at least) run for mayor 3 times, and who is most often seen at the busiest intersection downtown sporting a skimpy leopard skin bikini, high heels, a tiara and a beard. Viva La Weird!

The Scene of the Crime

This afternoon the temperature crept to a slow boil for the third day in a row.  But that was nothing compared to the heat raging inside me.  I had to blow off some steam.

I drove to the neighborhood grocery store, and after circling the parking lot, grabbed an unsuspecting victim, raced home and plunged my knife deep.

Once the deed was accomplished, I removed all the evidence: wiped down the countertops, mopped the floor, threw my clothes in the washer, took a shower and put the remains in the refrigerator, out of sight of prying eyes.  I keep finding sticky footprints, but I'll worry about that later.

My thirst for the juicy, crimson liquid temporarily quenched, I needed some air.   As I left the house, my neighbor waved and smiled...little does he suspect that he lives next door to The Watermelon Slayer.

 

The Anti-Gravity Chair

Still Life with Garden Hose

Karma Yoga (a.k.a Mowing the Lawn)

Therefore, without being attached to the fruits of activities, one should act as a matter of duty, for by working without attachment one attains the Supreme. (The Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 3, Text 19)

I don't know about you, but I'm all about the reward!  I can't really think of anything I do without the hope of some kind of payoff.  Take mowing the lawn for instance...

I do it for lots of reasons: it helps alleviate my paranoia that if I don't mow my lawn, my neighbors will think I'm a lazy slob; I like the exercise; I find it meditative; I like being outside; I often have good ideas when I'm doing a mindless task; I like getting a tan; and most of all, it produces what a friend of mine calls a "high visual yield": the fruits of my labor are very apparent and disproportionate to the amount of effort I put out.  

I worked in the yard today.  I hope someone notices.

Paging Dr. Freud...Dr. Freud to the Psychiatric Ward, stat!

Disturbing dreams last night...but that's nothing unusual.

In the first dream, I woke up the morning after a dinner party at my house and one of the guests had left behind a bunch of strange kinds of fish, including an eel, which had been partially cut up, and left out all night on the counter top.  There were flies buzzing around, a really foul smell, and the scene looked like a collaboration between Rembrandt and David Lynch. I got a really eerie, sinister feeling, as if it were some sort of omen.  As it turns out, it was.

In the next scene, I was sitting at my desk when a grey cat jumped up in my lap.  I don't own a cat.  Never have.  I wasn't particularly alarmed, although I did wonder how it got into the house. But then I noticed at my feet the Yorkshire terrier we used to have as a family pet when I was a kid.  He was much smaller than in real life...smaller than the cat...and his tail was matted with blood and had a long incision which had been sutured shut.  Then the cat leapt through an invisible hole in the wall, followed by the dog.

On closer examination, I discovered not just one, but dozens of small and large holes in the sheet rock, and from each of these were crawling tiny, slimy larvae which were then turning into flying bugs that looked kinda like sickly dragonflies.  From some of the holes, the tips of tails were protruding...like rats' tails or some other kind of rodent.  Creepy.

It was at this point that I realized that what I had previously thought was a smooth wall in my house was actually the face of a cliff, and that because of the holes, when you stood back a few feet, the overall impression was that of many skulls, large and small, stacked haphazardly on top of one another.

When the alarm went off, I pulled the pillow over my head to block out the sound and try to clear my mind of this macabre image.  But instead, I fell back to sleep and dreamed that somebody was on top of me trying to suffocate me.  My attacker was straddling me, forcing the pillow down on my head, so I felt like my entire body was being crushed.  When I finally got loose, it was a Chinese guy I had taught kung fu to.  For the record, I've never taught kung fu, although I did used to live in Hong Kong, and was once an extra in a Jackie Chan film.

For most people, what I've described above would be considered a nightmare.  For me, a chronic insomniac, sleep is such a rare commodity that when I do occasionally fall asleep, this kind of stuff bubbles up from my cerebral cesspool more often that not.  It's rare that I have dreams of butterflies and puppy dogs, unless they have some hideous deformity or are trying to kill me.

Fireflies

Past hissing sprinklers

Fireflies not yet caught in jelly jars

And the grassy smell of July

A skinny kid in cut off jeans

Pedals for home

Hungrily hoping for green bean casserole

No more homework!

Just endless games of

Kick the Can and Capture the Flag.

Dusk lasts forever...

And summer stretches out before him

Like his first leap off the high dive.

Textures

Insomnia

4 o'clock in the morning... 

Sleepless...as usual.

Blurry eyes, blurry thoughts, blurry head.

savage beast

vintage tire

bamboo

Mystic Pizza

The other night I was having a few beers with friends when one of them asked if she could have a slice of my pizza.  

She's recently lost about 30 lbs. as a result of rigorous dieting and exercise, so I was a little surprised, since a slice of pepperoni pizza contains about 180 calories and 7 grams of fat.  Why do you think it tastes so damn good?!

But then I noticed she was removing all the pepperoni and jalapenos and cheese...all she wanted was the crust.

I was reminded of three valuable lessons:

1. Ask for what you want

2. Take what works for you and leave the rest

3. Hang out with people who like the crust.

The First Date

A coupla weeks ago I went on a first date with a woman I met at a party a few days earlier.  We got together for drinks, then went for a walk in the park.  

A warm breeze was blowing, a full yellow moon was rising...all very romantic.  As we reached the end of a secluded pier jutting out into the lake, she kicked off her high heels, leaned against the railing, spread her arms wide, and switched on a neon sign above her head that said "Kiss me now!"

As I stepped towards her, I heard a loud splash and thought "That's either a really big frog...or I just kicked one of her really expensive shoes into the lake."  I'm thinking about getting a tattoo that says "Smooth Operator."

She was a really good sport about it though...and no, I didn't dive in to search for her sunken sole.  Turns out there's a website where you can buy just one shoe...as long as it's one of the five really hideous styles they carry.  

A Snow Globe and a Pencil Sharpener

Last night I got together with a buddy who had just returned from vacation in Australia. Before he left on his trip, I had asked him to bring me back a pencil sharpener in the shape of the Sydney Opera House, thinking he'd never be able to find one.

Undaunted by my impossible request, he returned with a pencil sharpener featuring the Australian flag and a snow globe containing a replica of the Sydney Opera house (or maybe it's the Swiss Alps...see photo).

So....with a stick of gum, or some other adhesive, I can create a pencil sharpener which is not only functional, but also interactive, entertaining and aesthetically pleasing.

All components manufactured in China. Chewing gum not included. Some assembly required. No warranty implied.