Puppy Dogs, Unicorns and The Heart Of Darkness

A lot of professional photographers I know are loath to photograph sunsets…or cute kids or animals. Because it’s way too easy and it’s been done to death. Anyone can do it.

So every time I photograph one of those subjects, I feel a little bit sheepish. Like I’m slam-dunking a basketball on a children’s playground. But I do it anyway…for the same reason I listen to Karen Carpenter singing “Close to You” whenever it’s playing in the elevator. It’s a guilty pleasure.

I always wince a little when someone says “Wow! That looks just like a postcard!” I know they mean this as the highest form of praise, but what I hear instead is “That's trite. Boring. Predictable. It's the same photo any grandmother with a point-and-shoot camera could have taken if she'd been there.” We've all seen those postcards in every gift shop between here and the Point of No Return.

Even worse than the “postcard” compliment is the one word response…"Nice”.

This one is usually uttered by self-important, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, self-centered, self-involved, self-seeking, self-conscious, self-loathing, selfish advertising agency art directors with a heart of darkness who subscribe to "Self" magazine.

These are the same guys who dress in all black and wear über-hip sunglasses from Germany and wouldn’t be caught dead in shorts and a t-shirt or shopping at Target or getting a haircut that costs less than $75.00. They’ve had a complete sense-of-humor-ectomy, so the closest they come to laughing is when they affect a completely deadpan expression as they monotone the words “That’s funny.”

Some of my dearest friends are art directors. And some aren’t.

In my over-active imagination there’s this scenario where some art director who once owed me $15,000.00 and strung me along for 90 days sees my sunset photo (yes, I’m thinking of someone in particular...even in my fantasy I can hold a grudge!) and, brandishing his pitchfork, beckons one of his minions. “That’s it!” he says, stroking his goatee. “That’s the one! That is the quintessential sunset and I must have it! Money is no object! Bring that sunset to me now!”

I can’t be bothered to respond to his emails, so he phones me personally and says “Mr. Langford, we’d like to purchase exclusive rights to use your sunset photo from now until eternity for worldwide print ads, brochures, leaflets, annual reports, textbooks, bus stops, point of purchase displays, packaging, airport kiosks, baseball caps, t-shirts, movie posters, coffee mugs, key rings, trading cards, refrigerator magnets, school lunch boxes and banner ads on every website on the internet. And billboards in every major metropolitan city in the world, including La Paz, Bolivia. And on the big screen in Times Square. Our client is MegaCorp., a conglomerate of Sony, Time Warner, Microsoft, CocaCola and Nike. Name your price.”

I’ll let you know how that works out.