Finding a parking space in downtown Austin on a Saturday night is about as easy as finding a left-handed, albino, Portuguese, agnostic jockey named "Sven". Which I'm looking for, by the way, if you happen to know anyone. I can offer him the lead role in a one-act play I'm working on, coincidentally entitled Mini Menace. And it would help if he could provide financial underwriting. But I'm willing to compromise on that.
I have a secret parking space in an undisclosed alleyway that is so narrow and lined with dumpsters that nobody thinks it's legal to park there. I feel kinda like Batman not being able to reveal the secret location of the Bat Cave. You tell one person, and next thing you know you got traffic backed up all the way to Gotham City.
Anyway, I parked in my secret spot, went to meet my friends, and when I returned at midnight, I discovered that my exit was blocked by a yellow Mini Cooper. The driver of this pesky little roller skate had pulled so close to my rear bumper that I had about 6 inches clearance in front of and behind my vehicle.
Unlike the girly Mini Cooper, my manly Isuzu Trooper has about the same turning radius as a Boeing 747...so I found myself on the horns of a dilemma. And just as I was thinking I'd like to impale the driver of that Mini on the horns of a dilemma, I noticed a girl who works at the restaurant next door taking a smoke break, so I asked her if she'd mind looking out for me while I attempted to get out of this tight spot.
She agreed, and about 2 minutes into my exercise in futility I noticed that she had completely lost interest and was gazing off into the distance. Air-traffic controller is probably not a career option for her. Or anything requiring more than 90 seconds of concentration. By this point I realized that even if I could maneuver out of my parking space, driving forward was not an option due to several dumpsters obstructing the way. Incidentally, "maneuver" is the French word for inching back and forth 27 times while some girl with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth who has agreed to help you is distracted by some distant, shiny object.
So I squeeze back into my parking space and decide to wait. The bars don't close 'til 2 a.m., and who knows how long the knuckle head who drives this Mini is gonna keep me cooped up. I'm 49 years old, but I can lift as much weight as a man twice my age. So, like Sisyphus, who was doomed to roll a boulder up a hill for all eternity, I decided I'd try to push that damn car out of the way.
I've since done a little research and discovered that the weight of an empty Mini Cooper "S" (I think the "S" stands for "Sisyphus") is close to 2700 lbs. And that's not taking into account the gear shift being in "P" which stands for "Pushing will get you absolutely nowhere, sissy".
As I'm standing there trying to summon my telekinetic powers, along comes a posse of 8 burly guys who look like they're on their way to a casting call for the sequel to The Gladiator. What are the chances? Better than my chances of getting out of this parking space by myself, that's for certain.
I figured that with nine of us, we could pick up this annoying thing and move it back a coupla feet. Well actually, the way I envisioned it was the eight of them lifting the car, and myself in more of a supervisory capacity. It's a good thing I wasn't trying to convince them to raise the Stars and Stripes over Iwo Jima ...despite my enthusiasm and encouragement I just could not get these guys to rally 'round the flag. "You guys are a bunch of sissies!" I thought quietly to myself as they walked away.
I was rapidly running out of options, when I was approached by a drunk homeless guy who said he'd direct me out of my tight squeeze in return for a small donation. In the movie version of this long-winded anecdote, his part will be played by Eddie Murphy. As much as I appreciated his generous offer, I wasn't sure that enlisting the help of an intoxicated panhandler was my best bet. It was beginning to look like I might need what little cash I had to catch a cab home.
I was about to throw in the towel, when a massive guy in a tight black T-shirt showed up out of nowhere. Reacting with the cat-like reflexes of Bruce Lee, I instinctively clenched my fists as I curled into the fetal position. Turns out this fellow was the bouncer from a nearby bar who happened to be walking down a dark alley hoping to make a deposit in the Bank of Good Karma.
Before I knew it, this Incredible Hulk had shoved 3 fully loaded dumpsters out of the way, directed me out of my parking space and was blocking traffic so I could pull out of the alley. I offered him my last $10.00, but he wouldn't take it, so I gave him my business card and told him if he ever needed free photos to give me a call.
I thought about leaving a note on the windshield of the offending vehicle, but then it occurred to me that I drive a gas-guzzling SUV that's consuming ever-diminishing natural resources while simultaneously burning a hole in the ozone later.
Besides...I figger I can use all the good karma I can get.
As I'm standing there trying to summon my telekinetic powers, along comes a posse of 8 burly guys who look like they're on their way to a casting call for the sequel to The Gladiator. What are the chances? Better than my chances of getting out of this parking space by myself, that's for certain.
I figured that with nine of us, we could pick up this annoying thing and move it back a coupla feet. Well actually, the way I envisioned it was the eight of them lifting the car, and myself in more of a supervisory capacity. It's a good thing I wasn't trying to convince them to raise the Stars and Stripes over Iwo Jima ...despite my enthusiasm and encouragement I just could not get these guys to rally 'round the flag. "You guys are a bunch of sissies!" I thought quietly to myself as they walked away.
I was rapidly running out of options, when I was approached by a drunk homeless guy who said he'd direct me out of my tight squeeze in return for a small donation. In the movie version of this long-winded anecdote, his part will be played by Eddie Murphy. As much as I appreciated his generous offer, I wasn't sure that enlisting the help of an intoxicated panhandler was my best bet. It was beginning to look like I might need what little cash I had to catch a cab home.
I was about to throw in the towel, when a massive guy in a tight black T-shirt showed up out of nowhere. Reacting with the cat-like reflexes of Bruce Lee, I instinctively clenched my fists as I curled into the fetal position. Turns out this fellow was the bouncer from a nearby bar who happened to be walking down a dark alley hoping to make a deposit in the Bank of Good Karma.
Before I knew it, this Incredible Hulk had shoved 3 fully loaded dumpsters out of the way, directed me out of my parking space and was blocking traffic so I could pull out of the alley. I offered him my last $10.00, but he wouldn't take it, so I gave him my business card and told him if he ever needed free photos to give me a call.
I thought about leaving a note on the windshield of the offending vehicle, but then it occurred to me that I drive a gas-guzzling SUV that's consuming ever-diminishing natural resources while simultaneously burning a hole in the ozone later.
Besides...I figger I can use all the good karma I can get.
dude that was a great read. you're about the only guy i know that can turn a little parking incident into a comedy sketch with a moral to the story at the end!
ReplyDeleteHere it is Friday night and after working all day and part of the evening on bidniss then sneaking out to run and lift weights, I came home to my nothingness and decided to look at pictures on your website. Scouting around, I saw you had a blog and I clicked.
ReplyDeleteI read and laughed and laughed and laughed. You are so witty and clever. You write well and it makes for a great read at 11:08 pm on a Friday night when I have nothing else going on.
Keep writing, please. I have no doubt I will have many more weekend nights like this and I'll need a good laugh.
Love,
Kelly (Vidovic)
P.S. I went to Chez Zeeeeee for the first time since I last went there with you like, what, three years ago? I smiled when I walked by the outdoor patio and looked into the beautiful room they use for banquets and other such bantering around...