A Rock and a Hard Place

An inventory of the parts of my body that are currently in pain includes, but is not limited to:
1. The soles of both feet
2. The big toe on my left foot
3. The instep of my left foot
4. Both ankles
5. Both knees
6. Both butt cheeks
7. My tail bone
8. My left kidney
9. My spleen
10. My left elbow
11. My right shoulder
12. My left temple
13. The crown of my head

“Why?” you might ask. Believe me, I’m asking myself that same question.

When I checked in to my new digs earlier today, everyone was out doing healthy, invigorating blood-pumping adventure activities, so I sat at the empty bar and ordered a coupla fried empanadas. No sooner did I sit down than I noticed a couple of white water rafting guides who were drinking rum punch on their day off.

These guys are the embodiment of cool….young, handsome, lean, muscular, rugged, unshaven and sporting exotic tattoos and whale bone necklaces awarded by Maori elders to only the bravest of warriors in a sacred, secret ceremony handed down through the millenia.

I was thinking about taking a dip in the pool when I overheard them talking about a swimming hole....
“Is there another pool somewhere?” I inquired casually.
“Yeah, we’re going on a little hike….wanna come?”
I was instantly stricken with panic that I wouldn’t be able to cut the mustard with these young bucks who eat fear for breakfast and wash it down with tequila.
“Sure….why not?” I heard myself say.

Our "hike" followed a circuitous route through waterfalls and caves, clambering over moss-covered rocks and eventually descending to an idyllic pool shaded by a canopy of trees. Adam and Eve were really slumming it in the Garden of Eden compared to this spot.

Just as I was beginning to relax in the cool water, these guys were ready to move on...darting off in their flip flops with me bringing up the rear, over slippery rocks the size of softballs and boulders bigger than some apartment complexes I've lived in, swimming 25 yards across the unbelievably swift river which left me 30 yards downstream, jumping twice into that same current from the top of a 40 foot boulder, diving into rapids and swimming to the bottom to watch pebbles churning in Mother Nature's blender, then sitting atop a sun-baked boulder watching the rafts of tourists go by and joking about the possibility of "carnage".

Somehow I managed to survive all of this without serious injury, and we were almost home, twisting and turning our way through a series of crevices while being pummeled from above by a waterfall. I was thinking to myself “What was I worried about?….I may be a little out of breath, but I’ve done a pretty good job keeping up with these two youngsters."

As the saying goes "Pride goeth before a fall". Just then my feet slipped out from under me and I fell backwards, bashing my temple against a boulder and tumbling downhill, on my back, head first towards the river. When I finally stopped bouncing, it felt like I had fallen down a flight of stairs. I was certain I had a skull fracture, a ruptured spleen, and at least 2 gashes on my head requiring stitches, and wondered how a helicopter was gonna land there.

I lay there for a few seconds, as dazed as if I’d gone 3 rounds with Muhammed Ali, then ran my hands through my hair to check for blood, and to my amazement, I was not in any way seriously injured. Battered and banged up for sure, with plenty of bumps and scrapes, but no broken bones or cuts. The biggest bruise I sustained was to my ego. Ah...how the gods love hubris!

A few minutes later, we were standing under yet another waterfall enjoying the cold water pounding our bodies, and I confessed that in two weeks I will be 50 years old. In his Australian accent, one of the guys looked at me with a deadpan expression and said, “You’re a youthful character, aren’t ya?”

We arrived back at the lodge, and I decided to take a dip in the pool as originally planned.
Walking towards it, weary and wounded, I stepped on a slick spot and both feet went out from under me and I landed right on my tailbone, which hurt worse (and still does) than any of my self-inflicted injuries from less than half an hour earlier .

As I sat at the bar downing a frosty one, my body relatively intact but my pride shattered, I felt completely alive, and even the pain gave me a surge of appreciation for life. I chuckled to myself as I thought about the tattoos I had seen on the guy's feet who clambered down the rocks to see if I had survived the fall. On his right foot, in tiny type, were the words “I’M ALIVE!” And on his left foot “I AM TOO!”

Footnote: While writing this, I burned my tongue on a cup of hot coffee.